Year after year after year after year, millions and millions and millions and millions of our nation’s teenage boys and teenage girls go to malls. To shop. To buy clothes and posters of Mark Wahlberg and Led Zepplin and that girl from Transformers. Or so they say. What’s really going on there? I’m here to figure it out. Malls, are they fact or fiction?

At first I was stumped. Everywhere I looked, I saw shopping malls. Everywhere I looked, I saw somebody holding a bag from American Eagle or Victoria’s Secret or Auntie Anne’s. I couldn’t turn a corner without seeing some punk with braces and a shitty NoFx t-shirt holding a Hot Topic bag, thinking that made him cool or something. All pointing towards the illusion of the existence of malls. I didn’t buy into it though. I knew that there had to be more to it. Some REAL reason our younger population decides to not be home when they aren’t in school.

“Malls first started popping up around the world some time in history,” explained Axel Ryder, 16, when I approached him at the Panda Inn inside the Saddlebrook Mall in New Jersey. “I don’t know, man, I’m just a snot nosed punk.”

That kid was stupid, ugly and smelled like weed or bad B.O.

The evidence was stacked high and leaning towards the existence of malls. I was losing hope fast when, all of the sudden, I caught wind of something. I heard tales and rumors of a man who lived in Tallahassee. Sure, he was described to me by Florida vacationers checking out Time Square for their first time as a homeless dude with an affinity for peyote and shrooms, but I had to take any lead I could.

“Yeah, man, malls are just the government’s way of preoccupying our minds and distracting us while they fire missles at Russia and cover up alien landings and abductions,” Marcus Hubble, 63, shouted at me from his handmade tin-foil tent housed on the bed of County Road 151.

I had something. It was a conspiracy that lead all the way to the top. I had credible information and I wasn’t going to be shut down or shut up. I was going to expose this. I marched* to Washington D.C. and stormed the Capitol Building.

“Sir, you can’t just barge in here,” a burly security guard named Stevie T. was yelling at me. “You need to leave.”

I was kicked out of Washington D.C.

I didn’t find much else on the matter, but something’s fishy. Why’d Washington shut me up so quickly if not. 

For WGOS News, I’m Bucky Brennon and I just served you the truth.

*by marched, I mean that I hopped on a plane and flew there.

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